Whew! September was an absolute whirlwind, so unfortunately, I was not able to get as much reading in as I'd like. Between traveling and the craziness of work, I read a whopping total of one book this whole month! Of course it is a John Sandford novel of one of my favorite detectives, Lucas Davenport. See my review for the book below and let's be friends on Goodreads!

This blog post will be dedicated to my late Grandmother, or Yeay as we would say in Khmer. I want to be able to remember her and decided to create this post as a sort of memoriam for her. Please join me on this journey of the life of Chhayleng Yi, through my eyes. Rest Peacefully and Happy Birthday, Yeay. 

Sunrise: 10/10/1936; Sunset: 04/17/2020

    I first met my grandmother when I was about 9/10 years old. Yeah, I unfortunately did not get to meet my very own grandmother until I was a bit older, but that was due to the distance between us. My grandmother was still in Cambodia at the time and I was here in the states. When I decided to go to Cambodia with my father, I did not have any expectations really. One thing that was always mentioned to me was that my Grandma was the "strict, mean, old, boss lady". Some people described her as big and scary (I guess that would make sense coming from my uncle who probably used to get his ass beat by her LOL). This made me a bit nervous to meet her but I brushed it off. Of course when I met her, she was nothing like what was mentioned to me! I don't actually remember too much of this trip as I was very, very ill during the whole thing. I was in and out of sleep a lot, blacked out, and stayed inside with my cousin, and family members who I have never met before! I am only able to remember bits and pieces and am thankful to have many wonderful pictures from the trip to help jog my memory.

Here is Yeay and I at a restaurant in Phnom Penh! (My dad is on the right)

    The one thing that stuck with me the most was at the end of my trip, as my father and I were in the airport saying our goodbyes to our family, my Grandma stepped forward with a big smile. Everyone was nudging me to give her a hug... and I didn't. I did not know this woman; why are they expecting me to hug a total stranger? I have always dealt with my own personal intimacy issues, and still very much do so today. It is very uncommon for Asians and immigrant families (in my experience) to show love in a physical way. Physical affection has only been something I have seen on TV and from Western cultures. Til this day it has been one of my biggest regrets with her and I wish I could go back into time into that very moment and had given her the biggest hug!

    A few years later, Yeay came to America! This was the start of our growing family. At the time, my family consisted of my parents, my three sisters, Gina, Tina, newborn Michelle, and myself. We were living in Pennsauken and I have had the best memories living there than anywhere else. These times were the most special to me because I vividly remember how much younger and agile my grandmother was. It seems like almost a distant memory when picturing her gardening and being on her feet and actually traveling with us! She was active, social, and her health was still in tact. Thankfully, we have loads of home videos to remember these moments of her. Again, during these times, I was still very much still emotionally and physically distant from my Grandma. It was hard to develop a playful relationship when being the eldest daughter. I have always felt the pressure to "be the adult". While Gina and Tina felt a bit more carefree and able to show their physical affections, I felt a bit more closed off. But looking back, I feel we all developed different types of relationships with my Grandmother, each being unique, personalized, and special.

    Since then, my family has moved from Pennsauken, but still staying in the South Jersey region. Our family grew by one and we finally have a brother, whose name is Kevin. My Grandma lived with us ever since she came to the States. Since then she maybe went back to Cambodia twice, and I hear her last visit was very miserable for her, because she missed being home with us! You can imagine how humorous it was for my siblings and I as she was a Cambodian native, but still yearned to be here with us, as she felt the most comfortable and at home here.

    Our individual relationships with Yeay varied as we were all very different people. This was always very important to note for me because in most Eastern cultures, there is almost no such thing as individuality. Everything a person does is for their family name and for their family's honor. Most families looked down on individuality and think of everyone as one group. I am thankful to have grown up in a more individualistic household, and I think my Grandma played a huge part in that. 

• For Kevin, the youngest and only boy, she nurtured him and although she always made sure we were all fed, she felt especially obligated to keep food for that boy always. Most of the Khmer words he knows is really just food items!

• For Michelle, I like to think that my Grandma always admired her quirkiness and watched her play alone from afar. I always remember her saying to herself how individualist Michelle, and how admires how she can keep herself entertained with simply her imagination.

• For Tina, she always used to complain about how loud Tina was...which if you do not know my sister very well, you'd be shocked to hear that! Tina, to the world, is introverted and very much to herself...but when at home, boisterous and comfortable. She definitely was a handful for my Grandma growing up, but Tina has always shared the same love language as Yeay; to be home, and to nurture.

• For Gina, I think Yeay saw a lot of herself in Gina. Gina feels like the glue that truly holds the family together, very much like Yeay. They are both humorous and were so playful with one another. I feel that Gina was always so open and affectionate with our Grandmother, and it allowed her to show that same affection with us. 

• For myself, I always felt like I was never sure where we stood. There always felt like there was a bit of a barrier. I always felt like I regretted that day, leaving the airport without hugging her. I feel like I always questioned if I was a good granddaughter. I think many of my doubts have dissipated over the years when I look back at certain moments. The times she defended me with my mom. The times I would catch her talking about me to our family in Cambodia. The times she would try to give me money, which was always declined as it was too much. There was a lot that was not said between us, but I like to think we both understood. 

"Hi everyone 👋🏼

First and foremost, thank you for all your kind words, well wishes, and prayers. My family and I are extremely grateful for the support we have received this past week. I just wanted to additionally write a bit about my Grandmother’s passing as I wanted to really highlight the unfortunate circumstances and to inform my friends and family of the severity of COVID-19. My grandma was a type 2 diabetic, had liver cancer, and other health issues. She had many complications, but was living a content life. The week before, she seemed perfectly normal, only having a cough. The week after, we were told she developed pneumonia, and is now gone. Due to her cancer diagnosis, my family and I were emotionally prepared for her inevitable passing, which we were told 1-2 years, but nothing could have prepared us for this. She was ripped away from us too soon and with none of us by her side. She was out of contact with us and unconscious since her arrival at the ICU. We never got to speak to her or say our final goodbyes. Friday morning, her doctor contacted us and advised that she wasn’t doing well and to consider comfort care. We did a video chat with my Aunts and Uncles in Cambodia to discuss which route to go with; let her stay on the ventilator and be in pain, or let her pass in peace. We ultimately decided to let her pass in peace as this woman deserved that at the very least. We did not want her to suffer any longer. Within the next hour, we were on FaceTime with the nurse and was awaiting her final breaths through video chat. Then our connection was “Reconnecting” and the call failed. Within the five minutes that passed, the nurse called back to advise she was gone. We were not even there for her last breath.... all we saw was RECONNECTING. I cannot even begin to describe the anger I felt at that moment. I have never experienced heartbreak like this in my entire life. No one should experience anything like this. We have never felt so helpless. In the Cambodian culture/Buddhist practice, it is extremely important to honor one’s death with the utmost respect, and we were terrified that we weren’t able to do that for our dear Grandmother. Her “funeral” was 10 minutes, with 10 people only, closed casket, and the monks were only able to pray for one incantation over the phone.

I am not writing this for sympathy nor attention, I just want to explain how absolutely fucked up this whole experience was, how traumatizing this pandemic has been for me and my family, and to beg you all to please, please, PLEASE BE SAFE! It does not *only* affect older individuals with underlying health conditions, it can affect anyone. Please do not put yourself or anyone else at risk. Wear your masks and gloves properly and if you can, please stay home until this is over.

Thank you to the entire staff at Inspira Health for being so accommodating and especially Nurse April for holding my grandmother as she passed. Thank you to the funeral director, Larry, who made my Yeay so beautiful for her final goodbye and letting my mother see her one last time. Thank you to my entire extended family, who showed up at her funeral and stayed outside in their cars for moral support as we laid her to rest. Although the circumstances were not ideal, we have never felt so much love being shared from here to the other side of the world.

I am thankful that my last words to her while she was here was “Bye Yeay!” as I left my parent’s house to go back to my apartment the week prior. That little bit has given me some closure.

Today marks her 7th day since her passing. We will have a small ceremony with just my parents and siblings. I pray that we will be able to honor her for her 100th day ceremony, but we must work together to flatten the curve first."

    COVID was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my family's life. I will never forget the sounds of my mother's crying for weeks on end. I feel that those who experienced a COVID loss would understand my feelings for it. I was angry for some time at the jokes, the passiveness, the pure ignorance. Yet here I was, experiencing my first loss so suddenly. I was so angry that I was not able to say goodbye to her. Since then, I feel that I have made my peace with it. Like I said in my post, what gives me some solace is that my last words to her technically was goodbye, when I last left to go back to my apartment. 

    We have all dealt with her loss in so many ways. My mother and sisters look back and say how this is almost the way Yeay would have wanted to leave us...minus the not being able to see her in the hospital of course. When she was still with us, she always tried to discuss with our mom how much she did not want our mother to have to suffer through her inevitable passing. She did not want us to make a big deal out of her death. She did not want my mother to be planning a big ceremony. She did not want to feel like a burden. I almost feel as though her passing during COVID was, in a way, fulfilling those wishes. Due to the social distancing restrictions, we were not able to hold the typical, traditional Buddhist ceremonies. It was not the ideal situation, but I do hope she felt loved and at peace in her final moments.

Happy Birthday, Yeay.